HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!

Today

Today he didn't come to school. It felt... great. I felt free. Free from any kind of pain that can be produced by looking at him, from the pressure of looking good just in case he looks at me (you never know, it's never too late to fall in love), and from thinking about him.

I also stopped talking about him three days ago. On Monday, I decided to shut the hell up, and whenever I wanna talk about him, I change the subject. I avoid saying his name and talking about him or anything that involves him. And it is working. I am not saying I don't think about him, because I do. But keeping it to myself allows me to make it not a big deal. Besides, I know my friends were starting to hate me, the topic was getting boring.

The thing is, to heal a wound, you gotta stop touching it (it sounds better in Spanish, damn). So I stopped touching it. I can't help myself from thinking about him or saying "oh how cute" in my mind whenever he's around, or wanting to scream when he is with her, but not saying his name and not talking about him IS HELPING ME a lot.

Ok, I am tired. Goodnight.

English Speaking Readers

This is to my english speaking readers:

I feel like I cheated on you with my Spanish. I don't know what happened, but one day I woke up feeling like the right words to describe my feelings were in Spanish. I don't know how that happened, because English used to be my sentimental, irrational, subjective, and emotional language, but somehow, everything changed. Everything is coming out in Spanish, for the first time in my life.

I guess I am loving Argentina too much, and I feel like my life changed A LOT in the past couple of months, including myself. I am starting to explore the person I had become here, in my home, in my country, with my people, and in my language, and I am loving it. I guess this is just another part of my life where I keep building the person I am becoming.

Maybe next month I am gonna fall in love with an Italian man and I am gonna start posting in Italian, and everybody who reads my blog is gonna hate me, I don't know, just saying.

The thing is that I feel different, and I even feel like this blog is changing. I am not the person who started blogging in America about her experience in another country and her boring life, blogging on Friday nights, and being sad about everything. Beyond each single sad thing that can be happening right now, such as the Robert thing, I am proud to say I am happy, and I know I said this a few times, but I know coming back to Argentina was the right choice.

So sorry, but I promise my English will be back soon :)

Amor

"Son Todos Iguales" se convirtió en la frase más escuchada en mi vida en las últimas 3 semanas. Y es que ya, después de tantas frustraciones amorosas, no me queda otra cosa por decir. Me vi llorar a mi por chicos, la veo a Jousefa intentar buscar una respuesta a lo que le hizo, la veo a Val preguntarse que es lo que el quiere, y las veo a todas renegar por hombres que no tienen sentido. Al cabo de un tiempo, lo único que me queda es decir que todos son iguales y estar resignada a que siempre me va a pasar lo mismo, siempre voy a tener la misma mala suerte, y siempre voy a terminar enamorada de alguien a quien poco le importa mi pequeña existencia.

Pero me parece interesante como, más allá del caso Robert, hay algo en mi interior que me sigue haciendo creer en el amor. En el ya perdí las esperanzas, sé que no va a cambiar, sé que ya no se va a enamorar de mi, sé que ya no me va a hablar, sé que jamás le va a importar. Es un caso perdido. Pero sin embargo, sigo creyendo en que todo lo que uno necesita en esta vida, es A M O R.

Y es que el amor es tan lindo, tan grande, y tan fuerte, que con tal solo una mirada, una sonrisa, un beso, o un abrazo, puede curar todos los corazones rotos hasta el momento. El amor es algo que todavía no entiendo. Nose como definirlo, nose bien si lo que siento es amor verdadero, o tan simple un amor adolescente. Antes decía que amor era uno sólo: el que era de verdad y para siempre. Hoy me doy cuenta que el amor no se discrimina. Amor es todo. No puedo decir que Jason no fue amor, porque si lo fue. Fueron meses y meses de esperar y tener esperanzas de que algo fuera a pasar. Ahí, el amor se presento en la paciencia y en la perseverancia. Jake también lo fue, y me demostró lo lindo que se siente al tener una buena respuesta por parte del otro lado. Morgan, Sam, Cody, Morocho, todo esos también lo fueron de alguna forma. Duraron poco, y hoy en día siquiera los recuero, pero en su momento, algún tipo de amor se que fueron.

Y ahora, por más que lo niegue, supongo que por algo amoroso estoy pasando. No digo que sea amor como en los cuentos. Es un amor raro. Definitivamente. Es un amor que no me deja olvidarlo, porque me despierto, y es lo primero que tengo en la cabeza. Lo veo, y nose como pretender que no me importa. Recuerdo los poquitos momentos que tuve con el, y soy feliz. Por lo tanto, tiene que ser amor.

Es que nos guste o no, el amor esta presente siempre. Porque todo el tiempo hay alguien que nos mueve el piso un poco. No digo que lo amemos ni que estemos enamoradas de ese chico, pero algún sentimiento nos provoca. Y es hermoso. No hay nada más lindo que aceptar el amor y dejarlo entrar. Obviamente ninguno de los hombres mencionados fue o es el amor de mi vida. Ninguno es el indicado, y no me quejo. No es el amor verdadero que me va a durar toda la vida, porque estoy segura que en unos meses tal vez no me acuerde de ninguno. El amor se divide en etapas, en niveles. Esta el amor que dura una semana, como el que dura toda la vida. Esta el amor que se convierte en obsesión, como esta el amor que se convierte en rutina. El amor de sueños, ilusiones, y fantasias, como el amor de la realidad. El amor que hace llorar, como el que deja miles de sonrisas. El amor que existe, como el amor que fue solo un espejismo. Pero al fin, todo es amor.

Creo que el amor verdadero es uno solo. Todavia no me llego, y me queda mucho tiempo para seguir esperando me parece. Pero la finalidad de toda esta publicación es sólo decir que más allá de todas las fallas, CREO EN EL AMOR como si nunca me hubieran roto el corazón, como si nunca hubiera llorado, como si nunca los hubiera odiado, como si nunca me hubieran usado. Creo, creo, y creo. Y soy feliz de hacerlo, porque el amor es lo más lindo que hay en este mundo. Cuando estas enamorado, hasta hacer la tarea se vuelve algo divertido y emocionante.

Por lo tanto sigo teniendo fé que nunca voy a dejar de sentir algo por alguien. Y algún día, si el destino lo permite, ese alguien va a sentir lo mismo por mi y voy a ser todavía mas feliz de lo que fui con los amores fracasados que duraron poco, o tal vez ni duraron.

Es sólo cuestión de esperar, creer, tener fé, y dejar que el amor llegue cuando tenga que llegar. Por eso ahora los veo y sonrío de que cada uno, a su manera, pudo hacerme sentir amor de una forma diferente.

Cada minuto q pasa es otra chance para cambiarlo 

todo

Right Now: Argentinian Presidents!

So this is whats going on in my mind right now:

Juan Jose Urquiza

Santiago Derqui

Bartolome Mitre

Domingo F Sarmiento

Nicolas Avellaneda

Julio A Roca

Miguel Juarez Cellman

Carlos Pellegrini

Luis Saenz Peña

Jose Ebarino Uriburu

Julio A Roca

Manuel Quintana

Jose Figueroa Alcorta

Roque Saenz Peña

Victorino de la Plaza

Hipolito Yrigoyen

Marcelo T Alvear

Hipolito Yrigoyen

Gral Felix Uriburu

Agustin P Justo

Roberto Ortiz

Ramon S Castillo


Arturo Rawson
Pedro P. Ramirez
Eldemiro Farrell


Juan Domingo Peron x2


Eduardo Leonardi
Pedro Arrambide
Arturo Frundel


Arturo Frondisi
Jose Maria Guido
Arturo Illia


Juan Ongania
Roberto Levingston
Alejandro Larousse


Alberto Campora
Raul Lashri
Juan Domingo Peron


Maria Estela Martinez de Peron


Jorge Videla
Roberto Viola
Reinado Bignone
Leopoldo Galtieri


Raul Alfonsin
Carlos Menem
Fernando de la Rua
Eduardo Duhalde
Nestor Kirchner
Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner

Today

I made it. An entire day without talking about him. It doesn't mean I didn't think about him... specially when I saw him talking with a smiley face to his friend, the one he hooked up with on Saturday, and now I think they have a thing. He likes her pictures on Facebook, her statuses, everything. It depresses me. So that was it. Now it is for real. I'm a freaking senior, he is gonna respect me. I am not gonna be used by him. kjfdshgjkhfdkgndfngr;ekct,erjv tnt iejrf ekhguhgieiejflekmf msd ,xfdksjnf.wmw;er mvwelkthfoials d,asndisanfdks,nvfjkdhg kdg I HATE THIS FUCKING SITUATION GOD DAMN IT.

Better In Time - Leona Lewis

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok


Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the past
I believe it
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

El Tiempo Cura Todas Las Heridas

Y es que ya nadie me entiende. Ya nadie sabe lo que necesito. Todos me aconsejan y me dicen cosas que ya me dijeron, repiten las mismas palabras sin darse cuenta que ya las escuché. Y no sólo las escuché, sino que las entiendo también. Y tienen razón.

"Hay muchos peces en el agua". Ajam.

"No te merece". Lo sé.

"No te quiere". Me doy cuenta.

"Es un idiota". Es muy obvio.

"No le importas". No me digas...

"Estas exagerando". Que noticia...

"Aunque lo intentes, no te vas a olvidar de él". Claro.

"Buscate otro". Dale.

"Es una perdida de tiempo. Seguí tu vida". Como si fuera tan fácil.

Y así.

Todos intentan decirme lo que piensan, darme consejos. Todos pretenden tener la respuesta a mi problema. Todos piensan que con darme una lección de vida, así de fácil todo se olvida. Pero nadie se da cuenta, ni mis mejores amigas, que ni las palabras mas sabias son suficientemente fuertes para cambiar lo que uno siente. Puede bajar Dios a decirme como son las cosas, pero nada puede cambiar como me siento cuando lo veo a él.

Lo único que necesito es t i e m p o. Porque es el único remedio que cura todo. El tiempo no es una máquina que te lava el cerebro y te olvidas de todo. El olvido no existe. Pero si lo cura, lo sana. Por lo tanto, ahora mismo, ninguna conversación me puede arreglar. Sólo necesito un abrazo en el silencio. Un abrazo que signifique que, a pesar de todo, tengo alguien donde llorar o donde descargarme sin recibir un reto a cambio, o palabras que no necesito escuchar. Ya sé lo que todos tienen para decirme, y hasta yo lo creo así también. Pero el corazón no piensa como el cerebro. Directamente no piensa. Siente, es lo único que hace, tampoco escucha ni observa. Es lo mas irracional, ilógico, y subjetivo que hay en este mundo.  Por lo tanto ya está, no necesito sermones que tengan sentido, porque no van a funcionar. Necesito tiempo, y una buena presencia que sepa callarse. Porque hay veces que uno no necesita palabras, sólo necesita no estar solo.

Y bueno... el tiempo. Yo sé que el tiempo lo va a curar. Pero también debo entender que para sanar una herida, hay que dejar de tocarla. Y es difícil no tocar y no analizar esa herida una y otra vez si lo veo todo el tiempo, si estamos a metros de distancia. Porque no importa lo que me digan o lo que hagan, es así: me puede. Y en realidad da miedo como me puede lastimar sin si quiera intentarlo. Pero lo único que se puede decir a eso es que así es la vida. Es simple. Va a haber siempre un chico que te haga llorar, y eventualmente ese se va a ir para darle lugar a otro que te haga llorar por igual, o incluso peor. Y mientras tanto, nosotros vamos a hacer llorar a otros. Es todo un ciclo. Y sólo el tiempo dirá como curarlo. Nada más, ni nada menos. Por eso entiendan, que en este momento, no necesito el consejo ni las historias de nadie. Sólo tiempo.

Fuiste Tu - Ricardo Arjona

Fuiste tú, 
Tenerte fue una foto tuya puesta en mi cartera 
Un beso y verte ser pequeño por la carretera. 

Lo tuyo fue la intermitencia y la melancolía 
Lo mío fue aceptarlo todo porque te quería 
Verte llegar fue luz, verte partir un blues. 

Fuiste tú, 
De más está decir que sobra decir tantas cosas 
O aprendes a querer la espina o no aceptes rosas 
Jamas te dije una mentira o te inventé un chantaje 
Las nubes grises también forman parte del paisaje Y no me veas así, si hubo un culpable aquí, 
Fuiste tú. 

Que fácil fue tocar el cielo la primera vez 
Cuando los besos fueron el motor de arranque Que encendió la luz que se desaparece. 

Así se disfraza el amor para su corta inercia 
Aceptando todo sin hacer preguntas 
Y dejando al tiempo la historiada muerte. 

Nada más que decir, 
Solo queda insistir 
Dilo... 
Fuiste tu, 
La luz de neón del barrio sabe que estoy tan cansada 
Me ha visto caminar descalza por la madrugada. 

Estoy en medio del que soy y del que tú quisieras 
Queriendo despertar pensando como lo quisiera 
Y no me veas así, si hubo un culpable aquí, 
Fuiste tú. 

Así se disfraza el amor para su corta inercia 
Aceptando todo sin hacer preguntas Y dejando al tiempo la historiada muerte. 

"Le agradezco al tiempo, que me ha demostrado que las cosas buenas llegan en cualquier momento", y yo sigo esperando. 

If something makes you happy, do it. If it doesn't, then don't. 

Tonight

So we were supposed to go out to a nightclub for my friend's birthday, but something went wrong and we eded up going to Charlie's house, it was my entire class, and some junior kids, including Robert, Jousefa's boy, and some other girls. Let's go straight to the point: Robert ended up making out with his best friend. All night long. In a get together that was supposed to be for SENIORS. And it was not just a random girl, it was his best friend. He didn't even say hi to me. He didn't even care. What a surprise...

"Look, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Now, I think you're just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, I, uh, I really think you should look again" - 500 Days Of Summer

Recordar

Dicen que no hay que llorar por lo que terminó, sino que hay que reír por lo que sucedió.

Dicen que algo que te dejó una buena memoria, siempre es mejor que algo que nunca pudo pasar.

Por eso, es hora de dejar de llorar porque lo extraño, o porque lo veo y siento que lo quiero abrazar. Es el momento de recordar POR QUE me enamoré de el. Recordar lo lindo. Darme cuenta que nadie me quita lo bailado. Ni él, ni ninguna otra chica pueden borrarme esas dos noches donde éramos él y yo, y nadie más.

Porque fue ese momento donde me agarro mi mano, me ayudo a levantarme, para después agarrar mi cintura por atras, y llevarme a un lugar para mirarme con sus ojos hermosos y derretirme.

Fue cuando entrelazó sus dedos con los mios.

Fue cuando al fin me dió un beso después de que yo haya llorado pensando que nunca iba a venir, y fue ese abrazo tan fuerte que me daba mientras tanto, haciendome sentir que, aunque sea por un ratito, me quería.

Fue cuando me vino a buscar, cuando tuvo la intención de estar conmigo de nuevo, pero se asustó al verme con otro.

Pero pensar en solo esos momentos, es ver solamente una parte del paisaje.

Recordar lo bueno es idealizar. Es no ver las cosas como son. "Sé que crees que el era el indicado, pero yo no. Creo que sólo estas recordando lo bueno. La próxima vez que veas al pasado, me parece que deberías ver mejor" dijo Rachel Hansen, de una de mis película favoritas "500 Días con Ella", y tiene razón. Uno tiene a acordarse solo de bueno, o sólo de lo malo. Ahora entonces repasemos una vez más...

Recordemos que él nunca mostró interés en mí.

Que pasa por al lado mío como si fuera invisible.

Que esa noche cuando entrelazó sus dedos con los míos, ya había estado con otra chica antes, y que encima tuvo la cara para sentarse al lado mío con ella.

Recordemos esa noche donde me ignoró por completo y se fue con otra.

Y no nos vayamos tan lejos, hace nada más ni nada menos que unas horas, pasó corriendo por al lado mío, de hecho me empujó, y siguió de largo.

Pensemos en cada vez que está conecto, que ni "hola" me puede decir, sólo para hacerme sentir como que valgo un poco.

Por todo eso, el no fue perfecto. Lo pudo haber sido, pero no lo es, ni lo va a ser. Todo depende de como lo vea, y de como decida recordar. La memoria es traicionera, si que lo es.

Is it because she's successful?


No, it's because she doesn't need me. 

Closer

Pictures make the world seem beautiful 

I'm not wasting her time. She's completely lovable, and completely unleavable .


And you don't want someone else getting their dirty hands on her... Men are crap


But all the same.


They're still crap. 

Closer

Viceversa

Tengo miedo de verte
necesidad de verte
esperanza de verte
desazones de verte

tengo ganas de hallarte
preocupación de hallarte
certidumbre de hallarte
pobres dudas de hallarte

tengo urgencia de oírte
alegría de oírte
buena suerte de oírte
y temores de oírte

o sea, resumiendo
estoy jodido y radiante
quizá más lo primero
que lo segundo
y también
viceversa.

Mi Estrategia

Mi táctica es
mirarte
aprender como sos
quererte como sos

Mi táctica es
hablarte y escucharte
construir con palabras
un puente indestructible

Mi táctica es
quedarme en tu recuerdo
no sé cómo ni sé
con qué pretexto
pero quedarme en vos

Mi táctica es
ser franco
y saber que sos franca
y que no nos vendamos
simulacros
para que entre los dos

No haya telón
ni abismos

Mi estrategia es
en cambio
más profunda y más
simple
mi estrategia es
que un día cualquiera
no sé cómo ni sé
con qué pretexto
por fin me necesites

Michael Buble

So Michael Buble was performing in my city today, but I didn't really bother to get tickets. The show was supposed to start at 9:30 and around 9:25 someone from my class said "I have two free tickets to go see Buble in 5 minutes, who wants them?". With Jousefa we were WE WANNA GO! even though she didn't really know who he was. I was in pijamas about to go to sleep because I had a throat-ache and 10 minutes later I was all dressed up in a taxi heading to pick up Jousefa to go to the concert. It was a great show, I loved it, and I loved HIM. He is so adorable!!! And he is married to an Argentinian girl so he felt super proud of us <3

Untitled

I've figured that no matter what I do, he just doesn't care. If I'm easy, he's gonna take me for granted. If I'm hard, he's not even gonna try. If I am too funny, he's gonna think I'm stupid. If I'm too serious, he's not gonna talk to me. If I'm there, he's gonna try to find something better. If I'm not there, he's not even gonna notice.

Why?

It's simple, it's easy: he doesn't care. I can try to be a thousand things, I can pretend, I can lie, I can act... but he is never gonna care.

Agggg

Desde que llegué a Argentina que hay onda con un amigo mío. Una especie de onda en forma de indirecta, no lo sé, o tal vez sea yo la que se está haciendo la cabeza. Desde hace meses que cada vez que chateamos hay algún palo o algo, pero desde que lo veo todos los días en el colegio, es imposible no notar que algo hay, o bueno, repito, tal vez me haga la cabeza. El punto es que yo nose que siento, Robert es lo único que esta en mi mente todo el tiempo, pero por alguna razon, este chico siempre me hace sentir bien, y es mi amigo, y cuando menos me lo espero, me dice algo que me puede sacar una sonrisa. Y bueno, la verdad que nose. No estoy de acuerdo con tener onda con un amigo, o con que pase algo, ya que se arruina toda la amistad. Pero a lo mejor ese es mi problema, buscar chicos que ni conosco, cuando en realidad tengo chicos interesantes.

Simplemente no quiero pensar que me podría llegar a enganchar, sería una pérdida de tiempo. Aparte es imposible pensar en otro que en Roberto, pero siempre esa confusión está ahí. Especialmente cuando me habla, o me manda mensajes de la nada. Agg basta.

I Should Let Go Too

The previous post "Jerk" is about what happened to my friend Jousefa last weekend when I couldn't make out with Robert because he got scared. What happened to her was even worse: she saw the guy she was having a thing with, making out with one of his girl-friends. Apparently, they also have a thing.  The thing is, for the past year and a half, he's been nothing but cute and sweet to her, and everything ended up being a big fat lie. One of my friends just told me he really likes the other girl, which sort of means he used my friend. I ended up crying for two reasons: I know how it feels and this just ruins every single illusion we had with Jousefa about these junior boys, and because she is my friend, and I never saw her getting her heart broken by a guy. The point is, now there's nothing left she can do: she gotta let him go. He is a jerk, and what he did was no accident. He knew all along what he was doing with her: making her fall in love with him just for the hell of it, to just walk away with the other girl. That's just wrong. At least Robert is showing me that he doesn't care because he doesn't even talk to me. Jousefa's boy told her every single cute thing one can imagine and then he ended up breaking her heart.

The thing is... this whole "Junior" situation is wrong. Everything is going wrong. The guy who was supposed to be the perfect boy ended up being an ass-whole, and where does that leave me with Robert? If the one who is my friend (because he is my friend) can hurt my friend like that and lie with no compassion, then what the hell should I expect with Robert? I lost faith. He doesn't even like me. What am I waiting for? If my friend can face what this jerk did to her and move on, then I should do the same thing. The problem is, I am not upset with Robert and there's is no reason why I should be. He didn't do anything wrong, which is why is so hard for me to forget about him. But I need to do it, for my own good. Everything started simple and it ended up with all of my friends screaming his name in front of my face, with him making out with a big-ass-girl with two soccer balls as boobs, how the hell am I supposed to compete with that if the guy doesn't even like me?

I knew this all along, I knew it was not going to work. I knew it was going to end up like this. And now I can see it clearly. GUYS ARE JERKS. That's just how mother nature works. They are supposed to hurt us and not give a damn about us, and girls are supposed to cry for them. I am just doing what I am supposed to. I would die for him to like me as much as I do, but he he just doesn't, what the hell can I do about it? How many times do I have to write posts about him telling myself that this is not gonna work for me to understand that it is just not gonna happen?! HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.

I should just stop expecting so much. Usually, things don't go the way we plan them, that's it.

But there's something I do have: my friend. I have her, and she has me. And we're here for each other, through every single tear, through every single boy, through every single broken heart, through every single sad or happy moment, we are here. And knowing that I have a best friend to rely on, and a best friend to hug, then I guess I'll be ok.

Jerk

He started talking to her. He started flirting with her. He waited for her for a year and a half. He waited for something to happen. She was cold. She was not like the other girls. She didn't fall in love easily, she didn't think about guys that much. She was free. But he kept pushing, he kept talking. As time started going by, his simple words started growing into sweet and cute feelings. As much as she wanted not to care, somehow, she ended up confused. Confused because everything she believed in, all of her theories about guys, and her idea of how to deal with them, everything started breaking apart. He was started to mean something. She didn't show much, but he knew she was falling for him. I can't really say if it was real love, but it was some kind of love at least. The fact that she was opening her heart to someone, that she was starting to let herself feel something for him, meant a lot, specially to those who knew her, who knew she was not that type of girl.

One day, it finally happened. They were both there, at the right time, in the right place, and it happened. They kissed. They finally did it. And then again, and again. Nothing serious was going on, but everybody knew he was making her happy. Even she ended up admitting she was feeling something for him. He used to tell her he missed her whenever she was not around, and her feelings kept growing and growing. He made her believe in everything he said. He made her think he was the right guy, he was worth it. He was the perfect guy who pretended to like her and care about her, until one night, he decided she was not the one he wanted anymore. He found another one and he didn't care about anything else. He ended up showing that everything else was just a lie.

With a broken heart, all she could was think and wonder what the hell did he try to do with her. Asking herself why, what was the need. She never found the answers. He left. He forgot about everything. And there she is now, thinking and thinking, trying not to see him whenever he is around. Trying to forget everything he said, everything he lied about. Trying to start erasing everything she thought they could ever had.

There they are. He moved on, he is happy now. Meanwhile, she is still trying to let go.

LOS HOMBRES SON UNA MIERDA.

Teardrops On My Guitar - Taylor Swift

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about

And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh 'cause it's so damn funny

And I can't even see anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,

I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?

And there he goes, so perfectly,

The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She better hold him tight, give him all her love

Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light

I'll put his picture down and maybe

Get some sleep tonight

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

Today

So today when we were having lunch near the junior guys, all of my guy friends started screaming Robert's name and starring at him and I was RIGHT THERE. It was awkward, it was uncomfortable, I was about to cry, everybody was laughing. I was about to puke, literally.

I feel like all of those jokes and things that my friends say can lead him to think that I really like him, and that's a bad thing because I know he doesn't care about me. I am not just losing my pride, but I am also losing him.

It gets harder and harder everyday. Besides, the other girl he made out with from my school likes him too (according to what people say) and she has the biggest ass and the biggest boobs ever, so he is probably going to prefer her. I know it sounds stupid, but now it is not just about getting him, but it is also about competing for him. I am not ready for that kind of shit.

I wish this whole Robert thing could just be over. Or I wish I could go back in time and do everything different.

Tell Me A Lie - Kelly Clarkson

Can't ever get it right
No matter how hard I try
And I've tried
I put up a good fight
But your words cut like knives
And I'm tired

As you break my heart again this time
Tell me I'm a screwed up mess
That I never listen listen
Tell me you don't want my kiss
That you're needing distance distance
Tell me everything but don't you say she's what you're missing baby
If she's the reason your leaving me here tonight
Spare me what you think and tell me
Tell me a lie.
You're the charming type
That little tweinke in your eye
Gets me every time
And well there must have been a time
I was a reason for that smile
So keep in mind
As you take whats left of you and I

If I Can't Have You - Kelly Clarkson

Hearts break too fast when they're sentimental

Won't stay, won't last when it's love at first sight

So why are my convictions blinded by your spotlight

Can't breath, can't sleep

Need some medication

I've kissed goodbye to my reservations

I know there's other fish out in the seas

Not for me

I want you

If I can't have you

Then I don't want anyone

I don't want anyone

If I can't have you

Then only damage has been done, baby

We can break these rules 

If you wanna have some fun

If you wanna have some fun

Think of all the love that you will lose

If I can't have you

If I can't have you

Heartbeat cold sweat

Thoughts slippin' under

Can't fight no threat

'Cause there's just no use

One look, no hesitation I'm slipping into you

Forgive these eyes, these lips you're tastin'

No time to waste on an invitation

My shame, my self-control has suffered enough

And everybody wants to be loved

Let Me Down - Kelly Clarkson

I think I might be a fortune teller
I read your face just like a letter
The funny thing about forever
Is it comes with a side of never never
I can't buy into what you're selling
And no it's not that I don't want it
Believe me I love to close my eyes, enjoy the ride
But you reek of indecision and I...
I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know

You're only gonna let me down
When it counts, you countdown
You're only gonna turn me out
As I burn, you burn out
You're only gonna make me feel so crazy
But when I think we could be something
You go and let me down, let me down, oh
I am too smart to let you in here
But I'm just dumb enough to linger
I wanna think that you'll be different
Smoking mirrors are so clever clever
I pretend that things aren't so bad
And what you say will actually happen
I've been dying to open my eyes
See you try instead of always leaving me out to dry


I need you to be there when you say you're gonna be
I care too much and you care enough to leave
I want some place to rest my head without worrying
It's not fair, It's not fair, It's not fair, It's not fair
It's not fair to me, cause I know by now

Suggestions - Orella

It just takes a second for my world to come crumbling down
Oh i'm sure in the distance you can hear that awful sound
Oh I plead for an answer, plead for an answer from you
But if you give me an answer, that just makes no sense then whats the use
And just like that my life is broken
I can barely breathe
and now i'm opened for suggestions
At the end of the day lifes a lesson

So why cant he see it from my point of view
And how many seconds in the hours of a day did we lose
Was it me or his feelings, me or his feelings that day
Cause I just stood there in silence watched while my world blew away

Oh why cant i see it from his point of view
And how many seconds in the hours will i make him lose
Oh he said it was him or the answer,it was him or the answer that day
Well i cant keep shouting answer, so what was the use anyway.

No Quería Hacerlo

No quería hacerlo. Decirlo, o incluso admitirmelo a mi misma era como tocar fondo. Era demasiado. Mientras lo ignorara, mientras lo ocultara, mientras pretenda lo contrario, todavía podía volver atrás. Todavía podía volver al lugar donde el no significaba nada, donde no era otro amor no correspondido, como siempre lo llamo. Donde el podía ser uno más del montón. Pero no, llega un momento que todo sale a la luz, y ya ni yo puedo desmentirlo. No importa lo que haga o lo que diga, se viene como vomito de palabras. No lo podés controlar, no lo podés parar, ahí viene. Todo se junta en el lugar donde los sentimientos y la conciencia se mezclan para formar una sola justificación, una sola oración,  algo que una vez dicho, no puede ser olvidado. Pero no lo quería hacer. No quería que esos sentimientos se mezclaran con mi afirmación de lo que estaba pasando. No. No era posible. Ya sabía como iba a terminar, era una historia que ya había sido contada antes muchas veces. No había por que repetirla. Pero era inevitable. Hacía lo imposible para no hacerlo, por días y días lo ocultaba con falsos discursos, pero finalmente llegó. No importa lo que hiciera, de a poco iban saliendo las palabras de mi boca, y ya no se podían ocultar los sentimientos.

No quería hacerlo. No quería decirlo. Y sin querer... "creo que me estoy enamorando", dije. Y ahí quedó todo.

Loving Senior Year!!!!

En El Muelle De San Blas - Mana

Ella despidió a su amor
El partió en un barco en el muelle
De San Blas
El juró que volvería y empapada en llanto
Ella juró que esperaría
Miles de lunas de lunas pasaron
Y siempre ella estaba en el muelle, esperando
Muchas tardes se anidaron
Se anidaron en su pelo y en sus labios 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/mana/en_el_muelle_de_san_blas.html ]
Llevaba el mismo vestido
Y por si el volviera no se fuera a equivocar
Los cangrejos le mordían
Sus ropajes, su tristeza y su ilusión
Y el tiempo se escurrió
Y sus ojos se le llenaron de amaneceres
Y del mar se enamoró
Y su cuerpo se enraizó en el muelle 

Sola, sola, en el olvido
Sola, sola con su espíritu
Sola, sola con su amor el mar
Sola, en el muelle de San Blas 

Su cabello se blanqueó
Pero ningún barco a su amor le devolvía
Y en el pueblo le decían
Le decían la loca del muelle de San Blas
Y una tarde de abril
La intentaron trasladar al manicomio
Nadie la pudo arrancar
Y del mar nunca jamás la separaron 

Today

So today my stupid guy friends decided to read the folder where me and my friend write everything about us. We share our feelings there and only WE can read it. Everything about Robert was there, even the fact that we made out for 40 minutes straight. So my friends read it and now they call me "the 40 Minute Girl". Awesome. They also joke about Robert. The good thing is that I know they are not gonna say anything outside my class, so I don't think Robert is going to find out about it. If he does, then I'm dead. I AM LITERALLY DEAD.

Besides from that, nothing interesting happen today... I just like him more and more.

Disculpe Orgullo ¿Puede dejarnos un momento a solas? Intento recuperarlo.

THE OBSESSION IS BACK

Yes, I admit it now. There is nothing I can do. After Friday, my desire for him increased and now I can't help it. I think I am falling in love with a stranger who doesn't give a shit about me. Today when I arrived in school he was in the middle of the hallways with two other friends and as soon as I saw him I pretended to be with my cell phone, I walked as fast as I could like an idiot and I ignored him just because I am pretending not to care about him. Then I figured... I should have smiled at him at least. I am not gonna go towards him and say hi, but at least look at him and just smile. Because I believe that there is nothing as sweet as a smile. A smile can change everything. A smile can lead to a thousand things. A smile is a smile, and it is worth more than a thousand words. So that's what I'm gonna try to do, just smile, and keep walking. Leave him hanging there with the doubt. But what it's not doubt at all is the fact that I am obsessed and now there's no turning back, I just can't help falling in love with him.

Tonight

Ok so Friday night was W E I R D. With Jousefa we decided to go by our selves to this little nightclub for teenagers in Downtown because our boys (Robert and his friend) were gonna be there. They were gonna be with all of their friends. When they saw us, only Robert and the other guy (who is also my friend and my friend really really liked him) came to say hi to us, only them. I loved that because it was the first time that Robert came himself to say hi to me, and the fact that he came with his friend, who was supposed to make out with Jousefa that night, meant something you know what I mean?

Anyway, until 3 AM everything was amazing. With Jousefa we were dancing, talking to everybody, laughing like crazy, having fun, etc. Everything was cool until I saw her guy with another girl who is his best friend, they were talking at first, and then I saw them making out. Jousefa ended up hooking up with another guy just because she was upset, and I ended up walking alone around the nightclub for like an hour and a half. Robert knew I was alone, so a while later while I was just standing there by myself, I saw him coming towards me. He was like 7 feet away from me when another boy came to me to talk to me, and Robert saw him, so he decided to turn around and leave. I was about to run and tell him not to leave, but I didn't have the guts to do it, of course. So as I screamed to the other guy, I saw Robert walk away. The good thing about it is that I thought he didn't want me at all, but he did say hi and he did have the intention to look for me and be with me for a while. I am not his first choice, that's for sure, but at least now I know I didn't do anything wrong with me, specially after my friend almost punched him for not saying hi to me in school.

After that I didn't see Robert again, and with my friend we left. We went to a big fountain in downtown where everybody goes after nightclubs, and we talked about her guy. Two guys came to talk to us, and we had like a therapy session with them. We told them our problems and they helped us. They were complete strangers but they actually told us the right thing. They said that I should say no to Robert a few times in order for him to realize whether he likes me or not. As long as I am as easy as I am now, he is never gonna fight for me. And that's true. Well, on Friday night at least he couldn't get me because he though I was with another guy, which is somehow a good thing.

After that conversation, we went to a bakery shop to have breakfast and my friend talked about how she was feeling after knowing her guy was with some other girl. I ended up crying for her because I know it feels when those things happen and because that guy is also my friend and I just couldn't believe he could be such an ass whole with her.

And then we went to my grandfather's apartment at like 8 am to sleep there.

It was a fun night after all, but it was weird. Everything went the wrong way, the opposite from the way we planned it.


I miss Robert....

Today

I was ok. Everything was going alright, I was as happy as I was yesterday, and I was doing just fine. I was actually starting to be proud of me for being so happy so quickly. But one look, that's all it took for me to break down into pieces again. One simple look. And it wasn't him, it was me. I was going out of school, he was supposed to be having lunch with his friends, and somehow life decided to put him right there, right in front of me, for him to walk right next to me and not even look at me. And of course, for me to fall for him again and remember all of the reasons why I was crying the other night. Why am I so weak? And I keep remembering how stupid and desperate I looked.

I want to move on, but at the same time I don't. Because every night before I fall asleep, he's all I can think about. In school, I secretly look for him, and I want him to see me so maybe he can change his mind and just like me a little bit. When he's online, I wait for him to talk to me. When he walks near me I hope he could look at me, or just give me a smile. And I don't wanna stop doing those things because those are the ones that keep me a little bit happy. I know they are not gonna happen, I know it's over, but I am just not ready to let him go, because... even if I want to be able to do it, I mean, able to forget  him, a part of him also wants to keep hoping, because I don't wanna give up the thing that I want the most right now.

But then I remember... HE IS JUST NOT INTO ME. He has so many other better options, why would he ever pick me? Specially after what I have done, what my friends have done, and what he has shown? Why.... ?

It is not gonna happen. 

Today

It was a good day. I didn't cry, YAYY. I saw him once but like 5 seconds and it did hurt but I could deal with it. I know what it is like to being in the process of getting over someone, and it has its ups and downs, sometimes I'm gonna be ok like today, and some other times I'm gonna cry like I did yesterday. But I'm on the right track so far. I know I'm probably gonna see him this weekend dancing and hooking up with other girls and it is gonna hurt A LOT, but I gotta be positive. I've been listening to "Domino" by Jessie J and it makes me feel super happy and it turns me up whenever I feel like everything is going wrong, and this weekend my mom is going to Buenos Aires so I'm gonna have fun and go crazy. Let's forget about boys, at least just for Friday and Saturday.

About Charlie, today everything went back to normal. Now we can talk like friends and we can talk about what happened on Saturday and not feel awkward. It's actually fun.

And then Mason, we've been starting to get way closer than we were before. We talked about some serious stuff like my boys and his girls, and it's obvious that we sort of feel something. But I like the relationship that we are building, I mean, I feel like is the only one that is worth it. Because we are really good friends, and if something happens, I know he is gonna be a gentleman with me. I'm not saying we are gonna be in love with each other, I'm just saying that we can hook up and still be friends, and just have fun. But it is going slowly, step by step, and that's the best way things should work out.